Report just came out that Tim Tebow is a virgin but I have proof he is not. He's bent Florida State over the last four years in a row.
If there was an emoticon for a sad penis, i would send it to you
So for Valentine's Day...I finally swallowed. I feel like I earned that steak.
no today was horrible, i woke up and somebody slit my car tire and left an apology letter in my wiper that said "sorry wrong house"
Tell me why I keep soberly hesitating to go pee in fear of breaking the seal. Thank you college.
I love that my brother has just convinced my dad that smoking a blunt it an "unspoken family tradition"
U offered to motor boat her and it somehow turned into u two going on a sunset cruise in Newport. At 3am.
Some guy walked in while I was taking a piss and asked me if I knew of a back way out of the bar. He looked pretty freaked out.
It took me fifteen minutes to go from puking on my doorstep infront of my old lady neighbor to legit presentable person able to care for children. Bronzing powder and I deserve an award.
All I've done this weekend is cum and drink. I think it's safe to say I'm dehydrated.
I'm at the local community college pretending to be a substitute for a computer applications class
I don't need my coworkers thinking I'm a nutcase.
You gift wrapped a tampon.
What's the point of bringing a Jack and Coke to work if my boss is just gonna piss and moan about me day drinking again?
Hey, what's a nice way of saying "Why'd you send me a picture of your boobs last night" without seeming ungrateful?
Trust me, I’ve got a sixth sense about dicks that tells me if a guy knows how to fuck and it’s tingling. You need to prove me right!
I’m not going to bang him just to confirm your Dickth Sense
The Dickth Sense!!! I love it! It’ll be our first porno!
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