My pussy is not your playground.
Just ducktaped my beer to my bike. See you in ten.
I found out that my first kiss was an Italian. Even in kindergarden i knew size mattered.
Some guy just yelled at me from his car "CLIIIIIIIIIITT"... I feel like this has something to do with last night....
Did someone do a keg stand in my bathtub?
Just pissed by glowstick light. Bad idea.
Nothing like an old fashioned, wine fueled, anxiety-cry in the shower to start off finals week.
It's 6 a.m. ... what the hell.
I ordered a million chicken go wraps and they gave me five. Even when im drunk I can count to a million and know its not five. They fucked me.
No dude I got way too drunk to function. 90% sure I tried to FaceTime 911.
If I have to strap one on and give it to you good, you will not die revirginated. That's friendship.
I literally got so drunk last night, I texted myself "porpoises" and that was it. I have no recollection of this.
Lemme put it this way babe, at point you were naked in Target.
Where were you?
Laughing
Hahahaha yep. You were picking up the credit card machine and singing to it in Spanish.
Do you ever get high and look at your cat and feel like you know them on an intellectual level?
Haha just talked to the dude you bit on Thursday. He has been growing a beard to hide the bruising....
Randomize
