the bitch is dead man
YOUR DOG DIED?
no i meant my mom has passed out .. so i'll be over soon.
is her vagina suppost to smell like dirty taco bell?
He brought over a 20 dollar bottle of wine. Who does that? This is college.
everyone knows he gets back in a week and after that i'm not sleeping around anymore. it's like i have a expiration date.
A guy in a sombrero stopped to take a picture with me sitting on the curb.
My mom just walked in and she was like "Who ate all of the cheese?" and all I could think of was you trying to become a human taco
My nose was gushing blood and he just kept screaming "she took it like a champ" to everyone there. Plus side though, bartender felt bad for me and gave me a free drink.
Can't feel body but making pizza rolls
I just dropped a condom on the floor at costco in front of my girlfriend and her husband. Today is not going to go well.
Are you playing pokemon in the dark and sexting? I can't be mad at that.
It's best not to have your booty call on social media. So if they post stupid shit, you still want to fuck them.
I was just informed that I asked for a glass of wine at the police station
I'm sure it would have gone very well with the cigarette you lit there.
Have you ever wanted to murder the Sun? To bring the life-giving fusion reactor to a bitter end because of the sheer agony it brings to your eyes as it keeps you awake. And for waking the birds. Fuck birds.
When creating your wedding guest list do you put the girl you & your fiance had a threesome with under your friends or his friends?
He goes "what would you say if I told you I like to get it in?" def a potential soulmate right there.
Randomize
