I'd rather watch my mom take a shit while reading the sunday new york times than watch mama mia .
if you don't start talking to me i'm gonna tell your gf that you said she tastes bad
i finished masturbating and realized my blackberry had accidentaly called my grandmother in my pocket during it. awkward...
You told me you were pretty sure you were god because you knew everything about everyone.
hickory dickory dock, please dont tell me about your cock
We need to get her some penis inspired head protection.
He explained how that handle got into our fridge. I think i'm going to stick with my original assumption that the vodka gods want me to drink more vodka.
She did my hair, then ate me out. Switching teams was an awesome decision.
Just pulled a Kenny Powers on a snowmobile
I had to steal sneakers from my man of the night. I dipped. But then realized I left my purse in his house. So I had to stash the shoes in some bushes and wait for him on the stoop. Then after he watches me leave, I run back and get the shoes cuz I didn't wanna be taking my hour long journey home through London at 3 pm in my six inch wedges and club dress
When I said I wanted you to make noise during sex, I didn't mean mocking ones.
Someone just asked me why I drink so much. Im gonna slap a bitch
His Australian accent during sex made me think I was in an Outback Steakhouse commercial
It’s like I’m living in some alternate wet dream universe right now
The best part of being a lesbian? If I'm late for work at a hookup's place I can use her make up and peace out. Well and all the sex of course.
Randomize
