We're not too concerned with getting her out of jail. We're on a mission for donuts.
I was literally just a half conscious dildo.
when i'm drunk i think im just gonna point at him and yell adultery is a sinnnn. youre going to helllll
my 3 favorite things in life are tequila, dicks, and making sandwiches. that DOES NOT make me a bad person.
You were so excited to be getting 4 tickets to the Whale Rodeo.... That high
You know how hard it is to jerk off in a bathtub with a dog staring at you?
Yeah thats cool. We can play the alphabet game while doing bumps of coke in the back of his volswagon
I'm approaching homosexuality at an increasingly alarming rate with each break up.
All i really wanna do tonight is get drunk with you and dance on tables. is that too much to ask?
FALSE ALARM! I didn't piss myself, I fell asleep in the shower and then drunkingly crawled into my bed
He's so drunk he thinks he's the ultimate warrior. Told cops he was from parts unknown. Never broke character
I saw a shooting star while he was eating me out at 3am by my neighbors pool. Doesn't get more magical than that
Never have i felt more judged than when i was throwing up in front of a hello kitty shower curtain at 5 in the morn
I'm going to tell you something and I want no judgement because it's america day and I'm wearing an American flag bathing suit but...I woke up in a yard.
The whole country is going to hell in a handbasket but I got a grade A fucking and don't particularly care.
Randomize
