yay, now i'm not the only homewrecker.
yeah but i stopped sleeping with him after i found out he was married.
I just said that Oprah is crazy and like 5 fat white girls jumped down my throat. I sat back and smiled.
You kept excitedly announcing to the bar what time it was. Followed by an equally excited "Clock language still makes sense!"
I'm deleting all the photos of dicks off my phone. This relationship could be serious
He wouldn't let me go down on him. He stopped me and told me he was a giver.
Ja rule starts his prison sentence today #3475th reason we should drink tonight
So "Abstinence August" was a bust. Maybe I'll try for "Sex-free September" or "Only if we're facebook official October"
Math equation of the day: 4 waffles + 1 bowl of weed = 1 terrific nap
He started using my brother's rc helicopter as a beer delivery device. He's a drunk McGyver.
You were so drunk you decided to go out of the car window instead of using the door, once you realized what you had just done you said fuck it and went back in through the window
I find it fascinating that she'd be more comfortable with her mom finding out she submits dirty disney confessions on tumblr than about her secret email account she uses to chat with dutch and brazilian strangers.
Ate a live seahorse, then tried to order a nacho bell grande from an ATM.
How the fuck do you get to keep practicing as a Nurse.
You caught me at a bad time. I'm stoned enough that I'm ready to sleep but also not stoned enough that I wanna smoke again but also stoned enough to not wanna drive anywhere
Actually just remembered that solo cup full of scotch that random guy gave me for not farting on him. That's probably why
I haven't been drunk for four days and just realized I haven't taken a shit for three. This can't be healthy.
Which part?
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