I told him to come back in 5mins cause i needed to take a few more shots before i could talk to him
does he have a tent? the camping kind not the boner kind.
I'm pretty sure there's seven mailboxes in the bathtub...
you were sitting on my toliet with a double cheesburger in your hand asking me how the cheeseburger even got there.
Did we have sex last night or did we just wake up naked covered in oil?
In Berlin they just cured HIV with stem cells. I am hereby fucking anything that moves.
We had a 30 min conversation last night about whether or not to bone that girl with a lisp to see if she moans with one...
So that 100 days of sobriety thing I told you about last week? Lasted all of 4 days. Fuck it, life's too short
Speaking of boners I learned how to say " jizz everywhere" in sign language
How is it that I, the only one that didn't drink last night, was the only one puking out the car window?
I asked her if she could eat some Doritos so when we made out it would taste awesome
The dominoes guy came back thirty mins later to ask me out. I guess he figures if I'm eating pizza alone I must have gotten dumped
I never thought it would be so hard to find a power hour partner at 2 on a Wednesday
It's gonna be like a sexual version of A Christmas Carol in my house in a few days.
My cat just tried to lay on my stomach while I was masturbating. And I let her because I am so starved for affection.
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