what are you wearing?
Just my guilt
My dick just stopped my iPhone from falling into the toilet.
Just wondering did you put mouse traps and brownies on my porch?
Fran... I put my tongue in somebody's gage hole last night.
I feel awful
Physically or morally
Physically. The only immoral thing I did was steal money from strippers while they gave me lapdances.
you came out with your cock in between the legs of a balloon animal. Maybe she'll think you have a sense of humor.
What kind of balloon animal was it?
It was your ex but it was not eighties night, it was pudding wrestling. And either thank you or I'm sorry depending on the state of my pants left on the doorstep
its kind of scaring me that i am turned on by tom cruise in rock of ages
If you happen to tell anybody my drunk story in the near future, please refrain from telling them about me shitting myself. People are getting the wrong idea and random people are messaging me on Facebook making fun of me for that
So looks like I applied to adopt a dog last night. I'm completely ok with this
Best line overheard at the bar: "This is the last time I'm shaving my ass for him...I mean we just broke up".
I'm glad I can share my workout progress with you via my nudes
Just did body shot off a midget. Pretty good start.
I'm about to take plan-b with a glass of wine and ramen noodles. I cannot decide who will hurt more...my vagina, my kidneys or my pride.
Just used a NyQuil cup to take a shot. This night is headed nowhere good.
Randomize
