Dude, just walked by a homeless guy pissing on the sidewalk while he was screaming at his wang. God, I love this city.
There is a strange man mowing my lawn. Best day ever.
She's in the bathroom crying cuz she can't get the condom out of her giner. Do you have tongs?
I have to brush my teeth today to feel like I did something.
Note: footlong is not the password to the subway wi fi network.. p.s- im super high
Was rudely woken up by strangers at 4:15am. I was leaning against the stoplight at 9th
Just hit a cone using a lit sparkler. Tastes like I might die but it was magical.
I'll be gone when you wake up but you hit a girl so I knocked you out. Never hit a girl. Unless it's with your penis.
I cried singing "call me maybe" on the way home from the bar. What the fuck
IT WAS SO BIG. I FORGOT GOD MADE THEM LIKE THIS.
Being drunk is way better. Seriously, I just licked your brother to make sure my spit was actually real.
True love: he brought me a margarita while I was n the shower. He's a keeper.
It probably would have happened but I just can't picture myself losing my virginity while laying on top of his Quiksilver duvet set.
THANKS BE TO BLACK BABY JESUS IN HIS LITTLE GOLDEN DIAPER FOR BLESSING ME WITH NOT PREGNANT
Who else has a jello penis in their fridge?!
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