My toast was "here's to being positive, and testing negative... Cheers!"... after that chick gagged on her shot, everyone knew.... slut.
her vagina probably looks like a grenade went off in a deli
you know he's having a sex change. I can't believe you called him "titty man" to his face....
I need a good reason NOT to eat this entire jar of nutella right now
i was driving around baked, windows down jamming to third eye blind and eating grapes for 35 minutes before i remembered why i left my house
i watched you ride a mechanical penis. nothing is awkward between us anymore.
I only wish the guy being lead around by his cock at the drag show was the weirdest part of my night.
We're all in the kiddie pool on the porch. Fully clothed. Watching porn. With my manager.
From the guy that lifted you into a fan I'm sorry
we came into the house to find you doing shots by your self and when we told you to stop you locked yourself in the bathroom...
did I at least say anything...
you meowed at us and said you're a cat and cats drink for a living
That BJ in the bathroom was definitely worth the $20 cover.
I told my boyfriend that the thing I missed most about him was scratching his balls for him.
Woke up this morning with fake blood all over my bed which is a positive considering last year it was all real blood
At least you didn't get an invite in the mail to your fuck buddy's baby shower like I just did. My life is a sitcom
I feel like I shouldn't be left around 30 year olds when I'm drunk
Randomize
