i woke up with a shattered plate next to my head.
his mom and I have the same butterfly tramp stamp. don't ask how that came up
I said make yourselves at home, not to put a used condom on my ceiling fan.
A girl pulled up next to me at a stoplight just now, looked around for a second, and then changed her top, bra and all, before the light turned green. New. Hero.
Drunk at ten am watching Californication re runs. Being divorced rules.
hey give me heads up if you're feeling vulnerable tomorrow night
I had to have the guy I went out with last night come pick me up from the hotel the next morning after I ditched him for a firefighter..don't even talk to me about a walk of shame
if girls can go out in miniskirts and reveal their thongs, I should be able to wear a sheer dress with boyshorts with the word love bedazzled on my ass.
This is why you're my favorite.
Not to mention I think lunch is a little inappropriate when our relationship is only based on Mario kart and alcohol so far...
I'm not sure... But I think I just found a porno I starred in during my black out week of '08.
My mom just asked if I've gotten any girls pregnant how is your day going
One sec I was having the time of my life, the next I was shitting water
i had to call him over, it was my last chance at getting some tonight
HE HAS A RESTRAINING ORDER AGAINST U!!!
it expires tomorrow
I just drunkenly emailed my feminist dissertation as a resignation letter for my call center job. What am I doing with my life!?
Apparently I gave a guy a hand job on the dance floor. ON THE DANCE FLOOR.
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