Whyyyyy do my fingers smell like Chinese food.
I wrote a list of all my homework due in the next few weeks. I feel I've done enough for tonight.
They have beer in plastic boots. How am I supposed to resist that?
THERE IS THE SEXIEST BEARDED MAN HERE. I CAME EVERYWHERE.
well its a long story but basically i overcame many cockblocks
what's the name of the guy at the bank you blew to get the lower interest rate?
um. wrong number, but good luck with your loan
I didn't ask to see his penis, it was an ambush. Impressive though
Remind me never to smoke before babysitting again. Ate an entire bottle of children's gummy vitamins.... not an easy thing to explain to parents.
Seriously, I look like I crawled out of a bog. Succeeding at being as undateable as possible.
BUT YOU MUST FINISH YOUR QUEST
TO FIND THE HOLY GRAIL
AND GET DRUNK OFF YOUR ASS BY DRINKING OUT OF IT
You were upset that she was flirting with your boyfriend so I thought the best game plan was to show her my boobs and get her to make out with me instead. I am the greatest friend on absinthe.
My book, "How to Live With a Huge Penis" was delivered today. Can't wait to read it in public.
I still can't believe I was army crawling thru his backyard at 2am..
I'm not gonna plow a chick in front of her 14 year old brother....
Watching South Park, doing sit-ups and drinking tequila. In other words, my night is going pretty good.
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