She told me she was selfish for not giving me a blowjob... I couldn't agree more.
battery dying...get laid and text me after...or during...its whatever.
I told him he didn't want "flip-flop extraction" on his medical history.
Worst relationship ever. Keep in mind I've dated two married chicks and a Mormon.
woke up with the bag of wine duct taped to my shoulder.
I really think we need to get on this Charlie Sheen bandwagon
you cant ever make fun of my bong's stick on moustache again. its the reason the cop let me keep it and my weed.
Then again, I'm single and napping with a stuffed yoda doll...so I'm not the world's authority on shit.
Most senic walk of shame ever. This is why you go to school in Hawaii.
You called me to pick you up from the bar at 9:00. When we drove over the speed bumps you put your hands in the air and pretended you were on a roller coaster.
Doing bumps while the kids play upstairs. #bestnannyever
The paramedics said she just kept whispering "I just wanted to party"
Sensing a theme here
If alcoholism is a theme, yes.
I've sent two unsolicited tit pictures in less than 24 hours. I'm the female version of a fuckboy.
Maybe singing about how you'd bang Morgan Freeman to the tune of Single Ladies while holding champagne and a box of Cheerios wasn't the best first impression on his parents
Randomize
