best part he said "i like your tattoo" as he walked into the room, stood right there looking at me, naked on top of his friend
I am standing at the lion i publicly humped last night. i am mortified.
Listen, i'm watching playoff hockey and eating waffles. i just don't have time for your drama today.
They'd unbutton the overalls with their lesbian-tongues. It wouldn't even be a problem.
hi sober isdnt real. this is a mass rtoomate taext i thing. bye
AMAZING.
He paid me $20 to swallow a baggie of glitter, which turned out to be the best decision I've ever made. My vomit has never been prettier.
you're asking me why i keep burn ointment in my purse.... do you really want to know the answer to that question?
You might not want to come home tonight. Mom just found your vibrator and now she won't stop sobbing and holding a framed picture of you as a little kid.
I wish dancing around my house in my bra and underwear to Love Shack whilst eating strawberry cake batter was an acceptable form of exercise.
Whatever dude, just dont tell her your first impression was she looked like your cousin. no judgement here. just sayin.
Dude, I puked in the stall for God knows how long. Halfway through, a kid sits down in the stall next to me and starts jacking off, i heard the porn on his phone and everything. so FYI, the middle stall is where good nights go to die
I asked him if we could hang out sometime when we weren't hammered. He said he'd email me his number... that's when I knew I was going to die alone
Congrats! Its a fuck boy!
Seriously, you just banged the guy that wishes his dog happy birthday on fb. That's fucking adorable!
Apparently I was so drunk last night I got stuck in the revolving door at the hotel. They have suveliance vidoes of it.
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