Saw a dead body on the way to the casino. I think that's a good sign.
I just got a ticket for shitting on a sand dune.
Thats two for two birthdays where I've gotten the "alcoholism runs in the family" speech
Getting cock-blocked by Jeff Bridges. NOT OKAY.
A zombie called me motorboat central while participating in an auction to motorboat my tits. he then proceeded to propose, insisting that he makes alot money.
The rest of us are chipping in to soundproof your bedroom. This is getting ridiculous.
I feel strange, like something is off with my body
Yeah that's called sobering up, we've been drunk for the past 4 days
At one point I was waiting in line for the port o potties and a storm trooper came out of one and sprayed me in the face with a water gun
Like that actually happened I wasn't hallucinating
Might be time to reevaluate my life. Banned from red roofs inns. Apparently I puked in ice machine. 3 hotels in a year.
I got kicked out of the bar for suggesting that the bartender drop her tits into my Redbull instead of the usual liquor
WHY THE FUCK IS MY BATH TUB FILLED WITH MUD?!
1. You were drunk 2. You wanted a mud bath\n3. We tried to talk you out of it, but you kept throwing dirt at us
I opened my bookbag to put my laptop in and I found two granola bars and a pregnancy test. I am clearly prepared for life
Step 1: Buy a house Step 2: Turn bedroom into sex dungeon
honestly i've never been more attracted to you than when you threw up on my floor
Last night I realized my life is an experiment of really bad decisions when I had to leave without my underwear. But at least I'm expanding my life experience.
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