Someone should tell Glenda that I only hang with her because she makes me look prettier.
So some guy at the party is convinced I'm Edward Cullen. He keeps calling me "Twilight" and following me around with a stake. I'm concerned.
just explained the breakup in detail to my big toes. that consolation brownie was Amazing.
She was like the Rudy of blow jobs... SO much effort into it
Boxed wine mondays was one of our finer ideas
You don't want any of I have. Seriously. Its 80 proof rum that was 8 bucks for a liter. I'm afraid
I'm sure your liver is writing out a will as we speak
I woke up this morning to find a stuffed animal submerged in the toilet. I'm not entirely sure if it was the cat or Kara.
He either works for the Irish Mob or I'm being Catfished
I feel like I should have backed off when "I love you" came out on the third date. Now I'm in her bed wondering which door my shrine is behind. Fuck.
I have to date her we need a place to stay for tailgating
His girlfriends signaled their approval by pulling me off of him and in turn making out with me. I think I will hang out with this group more often
Where'd you go last night?
Don't EVER let me photobomb a group of lesbians again. They made me their "straight mascot" and I ended up singing Donna summer tunes for beers at their apartment complex.
He should know he can't successfully wrestle in pudding fully clothed. Amateur.
I'm sorry I peed on myself in front of your boy toy. You should tell him I'm usually not that trashy. It was nice meeting him tho..
I smoked all his weed and he hasn't noticed yet. But I might need a place to crash when he does
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