Flowers- 20. Dinner-50. Drinks- 25. Hotel- 150. The look on his face when I tell him I'm on my period? Priceless.
I feel like ignoring a facebook event is a lot like a pocket-veto. The only difference is instead of opposing legislation, I don't want to go to your sketchy party.
He ended up walking out of his bedroom and told me to look at the nonexistent fire he was holding in his hand. Im upset I didn't take those shrooms.
3 months til "no sober october" start prepping now. i cant have you bitch out on me halfway through like last year.
I'm at a winery and there's a 50 yr old woman sitting at a table alone with a bottle of wine and the only time I've seen her get up is to harass the hot dog guy
Tomorrow, if I don't look at least 5% better than I do on a regular day to day basis, I want you to hit me and tell me that no one will ever love me if I continue to look like I just rolled out of a cocaine induced hibernation. I'm asking you for tough love.
Alright, who started the "how long till dereck gets deported from Australia" pool? I want in on that.
At least now when I say "never again" the likelihood is that it won't actually happen again the next weekend...that my friend is called growth
Typing up notes at the bar and doing shots with the bartender until close on a Wednesday. This is what my second year of law school has become.
I think I'm going to call this chapter of my life story "Weekday day-drinking in the park isn't just for the homeless!"
Like you haven't hit rock bottom until you have had to throw your own turd out a window
I can empathize with sociopaths, serial killers, demons, gods, and monsters....straight white males are literally the only barrier to my 100% empathy rate. I don't get it.
My ex's girlfriend just invited me clubbing. Guess who won the breakup?
Are you rolling a joint while doing homework?
No, I am rolling a joint with my homework.
I miss painting strippers for Christmas. Holidays not the same without glitter and body paint
I'll be your substitute stripper tonight.
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