Walked home this morning with my contacts in a shot glass.
First class.
I vomitted in the hotel where they film gossip girl last night. Everywhere.
Stripper told me "sorry i'm not squezing my tits in your face much, I just had a kid and don't want to squirt you in the eye with milk. " in the middle of my lap dance
We decided to go to McDs, but we only had a few minutes to make it to breakfast. We were sprinting full speed ahead when she tripped and you just yelled 'LEAVE HER' and kept your course.
My professor just gave us a margarita recipe.
Why?
Because, and I quote, he "wants to give us the tools to succeed in life."
She's laying here with her head in my lap stoned, eating Doritos, whining about her boyfriend, and listening to Cher. Fuck the friend zone.
It's a never ending cycle of men I've fucked knowing other men I've fucked. I need a new town.
No it was good. I serenaded the holding cell occupants with a fabulous rendition of Making Love out of Nothing at all. It was fucking amazing!
Halloween: the only night of the year wheee the more high I get, the more it compliments my makeup and outfit.
Yeah you were fine except for when you peed under the bar
Pooping with Eye of the Tiger playing. Not a single fuck shall be given.
Did I see you at the bar last night?
Yes. You just kept grabbing my boobs and saying how much better they are than yours...
and please, if you feel the urge to call me crying tomorrow night, do so. i will be home bored and sober.
My vagina just clenched in fear
Depends how u look at it. Half-full, half-empty, or how should I shave my pubes
Randomize
