Herpes is a lot like Arnold Schwartzenneger. Because it always comes back. Also, because it is usually in some way in control of California.
Where are I am going home with Ryan
I don't know who this or Ryan is but it is probably too late to talk you out of it
I swear I could audibly hear her vagina slam shut when you walked up to hit on her.
He was dressed in a pink dressing gown feeding people ketamine from a plastic sword he called Excalibur. how was your Monday?
My neighbors are outside blasting Hootie and the Blowfish while drunkenly hitting a stump with a hammer. I could get used to this.
That one life defining moment when you catch yourself pouring whisky into your hot chocolate at 4 am, whilst crying and talking to your dog.
There are two women in my bed. I'm gonna have a bowl of noodles so I can better understand my success.
I'm just gonna go have sex with whom ever is in the men's room.
literally just tried sending to someone a video of me jerkin but my phone was connected to Apple TV and it literally just played on the tv in a full room and I'm actually about to shit myself
Still drunk on my morning "run" which has turned into a walk. Just burped fireball
Just saw my ex AGAIN. The constellation of gays must be at some sort of weird point with Mercury.
I'm tryna think of an appropriate time to say "when I suck other dicks they seem like training dicks compared to yours" but I really can't think of a good way to say that
What's the tour de bar? Is that a thing, or is it just what you call Saturdays?
Banged a guy with 2 broken arms once. Top that
I woke up under the stretchy sheet like the corners were still stuck under the bed. I had to wiggle the corners off in order to get up. I was trapped. how did that happen
Randomize
