my dad just told me that a lesbian kissed my mom at a bar last year
I just woke up to crumpled tissues everywhere. Looks like it was another night filled with tears and semen.
It's almost summer. We need to start reconnecting with our home drug dealers.
WAIT U DIDN'T FEED THE SQUIRREL?
he was wearing a tuxedo, i was naked...it's a long story.
I just banged that chick from the bar by speaking french. all i had to do was recite my grocery list
I'm pretty sure this is how polyamorous relationships begin.
Ive seen him cuddling a giant inflatable seahorse. Nothing could be creepier than that.
Time flies when you're blacked out in a lake
The two of us decided to throw a spur-of-the-moment parade and the next thing I know we're 4 miles down the road being followed by 65 drunk strangers
he just used a semicolon in the middle of a sext
I'm just gonna put on a documentary and throw up
I'll have sex with you for tacos. I don't care, man.
His name was Dragon. For real. How do you not sleep with a Dragon? Don't judge me.
I have no regard for my liver, you should know this.
Randomize
