Trust me, I wear more condoms than socks. I wouldn't risk infecting my cock. It's my livelyhood.
3 of us had 22 margaritas. Hellllllo yellow cab. Goodbye morals.
you may be an alcoholic when your drug dealer calls to yell at you for drinking too
I have now ridden the bus with a ninja, a samurai and Jesus. Who says the bus is for losers.
it was great that she threw up because that made me the only one trying to hook up with her
Saying you want a bj does not count as saying you wanna see me btw.
he's been in the country 4 hours and we just did it in the closet. he called me "miss flirtatious in the cupboard." i'm in love.
Part of my whole not being a slut anymore involves not giving other peoples boyfriends blowjobs
you called me in the middle of the night, wandering the streets, in search of "the ultimate burrito"
The cop used the word "belligerent" 16 times in the report. You get to bail him this time. I'm not up for it.
And regarding bottomless mimosas stopping at 1 pm, there was a chick who drove her car into the back of the bar. Blame that bitch, not you peeing in the koi pond.
I'm currently sitting beside my brother who is taking a bath and feeding him nachos while he covers his genitals. If that's not sibling bonding then I don't know what is
High me is so sweet. She left not-high me a fortune from a fortune cookie and 6 packets of soy sauce in my tampon drawer.
Ya know what's the worst? Being drunk and wanting to show someone a picture of your goddaughter but not wanting to open the pictures on your phone because the first one is of someone's dick..
Tequila. The ruiner of all good intentions.
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