We had sex on the first date...do you think he thinks I'm a whore?
Yes and so do I
it was better than the time i puked and I forgot to open the lid of the toilet
he referred to my room as the tit cave...
As usual, I had to fight him for his car keys. Though this time he made it to the valet garage. All the Hispanic attendants gathered around and watched. Felt like I was in a cock fight.
Tell Chris I said sorry for yelling "It's my vagina, let me do what I want with it!" at the party last night.
We found him wrapped up in a giant table umbrella in the bathroom.
...I think i just fell in love with a random undergrad at first glance. He was the awkward young adult version of captain hook. Dear god i need to get off this campus.
Just visited the liquor store.... for the 4th time today. shits gonna get weird
I have a cracked rib, no way in hell I'm bottoming for him tonight!
Tomorrow after you go to the library to look up gay porn, I'm going to come to your apartment to paint a nude portrait of you. Get pumped, plopernickle.
Is it against health code to come into work half drunk and commando?
MY DAD KEEPS LIKING PORN LINKS/ALBUMS ON FACEBOOK AND THEY ALL SHOW UP IN MY NEWSFEED
so hungover i had to get off the train to puke, rallied and went to work. not sure if that's an adulting win or fail
So. Um. Hypothetically speaking...how would one get a squirrel out of the house?
Did you finish that presentation yet?
No but don’t worry about it. I do my best work in the middle of the night. I’m like a hamster.
Randomize
