I just realized I'm gonna get paid at midnight on New Years Eve. That could be dangerous.
I wake up every morning and wish that I didn't have to wear a bra
just woke up to overhearing her on the phone saying "yeah we fucked last night, that makes 42." should i get tested?
well i fucked her too, so yes.
we're doing beer bongs from the windmill...epic
OK, the bar's closing. Do I go to home to my wife or my girlfriend?
Dont eat ANYTHING off the floor at Matt's house. He likes floor sex.
Bro what are you doing Thursday the day before I go to jail??
I just told the toilet I loved it. Bad sign.
And then she said "welcome homeeeee!!!" As she got off. Best thing about being back from Afghanistan
So I'm just casually at the grocery store when I remember that there's still a clove of garlic in my vagina
Your face; I've seen enough of it for today. Go away now please.
We need to borrow someone's dog. Just so we can non-creepily go to PetSmart and watch all the other dogs take photos with Santa
You know you've made it in life when the people in the next stall are cheering on your orgasm
I'm hungover and in a fort. And I hate you.
So many questions
Normally getting fucked up with the owner and suggesting he motorboat me wouldn’t help my chances of a promotion, but this is 2020 and he definitely enjoyed it
Randomize
