Drunk, high, and in a taco costume. Wish you were here.
Dude how the fuck are we gonna get the lawnmower outta the pool?
Calling yourself a modern day Geisha doesn't justify being a whore.
They were going around the house breaking things and screaming "Not my house!"
if I die on the way please explain to my mother that I do not wear fishnets on a regular basis
After the baby comes, I'll make us White Russians with my breast milk. That will teach her about sharing.
We just started the day with vitamin bombs. Daily vitamin + whatever's left in your glass from last night = feel like a champion
I just can't deal with that sentence
Sounds good. I will just get tanked here and wear this batman mask.
I hope you enjoy this collage I made of you and me getting fucked up together
But here's the wonderful thing about us. It's us. You could invite me over, get really wasted and end up sleeping with someone else and id be there in the morning to take you to breakfast.
Just realized i left my bra at his house. WHY do i suck at one night stands?!
I'm sitting on your porch drinking wine from the bottle. Just so your new neighbors know what kind of people are in the neighborhood
is it just me or does "lol" kill any sort of vibe while sexting?
I'm so sorry for trying to eat your puzzle last night...
Also, I'm not that drunk, but I'm thinking of pulling the blinds all the way up and casting some porn up onto the living room TV to establish dominance over our neighbors.
Randomize
