So you started off by saying "no homo," but patting his crotch and saying his jeans fit him wonderfully may have overshadowed that.
just woke up to overhearing her on the phone saying "yeah we fucked last night, that makes 42." should i get tested?
well i fucked her too, so yes.
i'm just going to get a pitcher of margarita. sober up by 10. and then do my accounting project
drunk making out is the fucking beeeest. specially when it's your exboyfriend
I wonder if you'll be as excited about this as you are now tomorrow morning.
Voted patient of the month again at the urgent care. I need to rethink my life choices.
I like to think of them as justice herpes. She cheats on me and gets more than she bargained for.
theres a kid in a leopard robe and sunglasses filling up a gas tank. i miss college
I'm wearing the jeans from casino night. Tell me why I have a napkin in my pocket that says 'dont fear me'? I'm hoping it was just a coincidence.
When you see a guy in a wheelchair try to be cool and pop a wheelie, and then fall over backward and hit his head, is it funny or sad?
I taught her to play Monopoly. She sold me her bra to keep from going bankrupt.
I'm tired of looking like my mother fucked Chewbacca.
Y'know i appreciate how accepting you are of me being a terrible person.
The frequency with which I change my vibrator batteries is getting a little ridiculous....
No, this year you're all getting coupons for things like "no yelling because you had sex in my apartment" or "the last beer."
It’s like a sexy version of those choose your own adventure books from when we were kids. No matter what you choose, there will be penis!
Randomize
