Is it too weird if im a sexy tampon for halloween?
Hey bro u need to come home now, me and andy just had a 15 minute conversation about fig newtons. f this bong
Went to the doctors. She saw my " I love beer" tattoo. All she said was " My drunken tat is of just one word. "Cornnuts.". Then said Mexico was "awesome." And sent me on my way. Yeah. She's my favorite doctor.
ya i found him eventually. hes the only one who drinks guiness so I just had to follow the darkest green puke trail
i wrote her a fucking poem. i better get laid for that
Oh my god. I opened up my microwave and there was a pile of bacon in it. It's like my mother knew I'd be hungover.
I think she must be bulimic. I mean, every time I see her I know i want to throw up.
I woke up in the closet and then I found my shirt in a bag of Doritos... how does that work out?
I just blurted out "it's pretty tight isn't it"
I standby a snuggie being perfectly acceptable attire for drunkenly walking your dog at 5am. Our new neighbors did not seem to agree.
When he couldn't get it up, he handed me a beer, put his clothes back on, and said "try again tomorrow."
I think there is a legit party going on the place we thought was AA
Is there ever a non-asshole time to play the "I was a child prodigy" card?
Roommate charged out of his room in pajamas yelling "MAKE IT RAIN" and just threw $4,000 in fifties onto my head. My Friday night.
I didn’t want a minivan, but I have to admit it’s made it a lot easier to hook up with the dilfs at soccer tournaments
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