a very overweight girl in the ER just said she trippped over the invisible wii jump rope and fell
Have you ever slowed down next to the oldest people on the highway while getting road head just to see their extended reaction?
Walk of Shame. In a state park.
He IMed me 5 times, before my homepage even loaded. This is not gonna work out for me
His hands were made for my vagina.
he was holding his dick in one hand and my boob in the other and i looked down and thought, this is my life
I have three paper towels stuck up my vagina. This is not a time to be calm.
Just saw two dudes run across the street carrying a mini keg and a scaled model of the empire state building. Missed this town
Dude, they're still mid-coitus. Pretty sure running in to high five my roommate mid-thrust is a mood-breaker.
so apparently last weekend we taught the mascot how to shotgun beers. am i winning college yet?
Yeah. I don't know. I'm just gonna show up at her place on valentines day with a jock strap, box of chocolates, and rose clenched between my ass cheeks with "be mine" written across my glorious man titties.
Eating power bars and masterbating... That's kinda my life right now. Is this what having a boyfriend means?
I just took like 30 condoms from the doctors office... no one can say I don't try to save my money.
Think i may just have managed the saddest high-five in history. Finished a sudoku and high-fived myself, then looked around for somebody to high five. there was noone. forever alone.
Did you have a good sleep?
if a good sleep includes waking up cuddling a bottle of wine I had a GREAT sleep
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