either fucking kiss her or kick her ass to the curb. Either way I can hear everything you are saying
we were both hunting dick last night. it ended terribly for both of us.
he invited me to an all week drinking party at his house. apparently he knows the key to my heart is booze shaped.
Is a Chipotle burrito an acceptable "sorry I ran over your cat" gift?
i should probably find things i have in common with someone besides drinking, before having sex with them
She just looked at him and said "I'm gonna fuck that" and it totally worked.
You're either a hooker or Beyonce. Beyonce is abnormally good at doing everything in heels
Closed my eyes in the shower and got really dizzy. Not sure if neurological or result of 4 day vodka binge. Send help.
there is a spider sitting on top of my weed like he owns it or some shit
no but seriously tf do i do? i have that spider phobia but i think my lvoe of the weed overpowers it
Well if your hearts not big enough, your penis certainly is. Just have a threesome
Just taking a shit and realized the captain planet theme song is stuck in my head.
Well I can cross 'get my dick slathered in coconut oil while watching the bob's burgers porn parody' off my bucket list.
well my apartment and my life are still a disaster but I did clean off my desk so that's gotta count for something...
I got a lap dance in honor of your birthday last night.
Thank you.
theres a video...
oh god.
Wine. Check.\nDino chicken nuggets. Check.\n#IssaParty
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