I know right? mind you this is the same woman who told me when I was 12 that oral sex just meant talking dirty
i wanna have a kid now so by the time he's 20 ill only be 42 and assuming im already divorced we can pick up girls together
keep it on the DL tho cause i dont want it getting out and it coming off like i kidnapped her or something
you were so drunk when the pizza guy got there you told him that you didn't have any money and would trade him the pizza for 3 Porno movies and he totally did it. I may never have to pay for pizza again
There's nothing like vomiting in the restroom at work to remind you that you're not in college anymore.
if you want blown tonight you're gonna have to take me up on that offer now. in less then 45 minutes you're gonna be blacked out and i'm not doing something i'm not getting credit for in the morning.
There was a suspicious looking plate that suggests I may have eaten salad with gravy
I found him stumbling up to our building with a solo cup under his arm. . . He told me it was his favourite thing ever. He also told me hes never been drunk before.
Thanks be to the Goddess of Whores!! I straightened my bed before Ken got here. Found Calvin's boxers in the sheets!!!!
Oh, and apparently I was butt ass naked and walked into the room where anna was skyping her dude in afghanistan and said "This is happening."
Awk. Hanging with her while messaging her ex about sex injuries he gave me
My TA is here with a sombrero and an entire bottle of Svedka. Skip jury duty.
Someone fucked a stripper in their rental car, there is goddamn glitter everywhere.
The coke machine at work is laughing at me. Literally. I just heard laughter from the coke machine
The guy I slept with in AZ just called and is moving here next week.
Randomize
