cruising supermarkets, asking random people where i can get weed. fuck alaska
i found literally half of a double sided dildo in my shower. i guess someone went home happy.
he was dropping me off and i told him i had to go to the bathroom and i leaned into kiss him and he asked how i went to the bathroom with a tampon up there... he was amazed that their was a third hole...and wanted me to show him where it was
If my nicknames are based on what I throw up, you can call me Jimmy Johns
For future reference, when you see people who look like Rosie O'donell, do not tell them they look like Rosie O'donell.
From the trajectory of the puke, I must have fallen off the top bunk while trying to vomit, due to the dented bucket, ruined carpet, and bruised dignity I now own.
Bro, he broke his neck diving into a kiddy pool.
Sleeping with random people is the same as soul searching, right? Ps that wasn't a team name suggestion.
The sad part is that if I don't get a random pic of your balls or ass or both every month, I start to worry that we're not friends anymore
I WOKE UP IN A FUCKING DOG BED HOW DO YOU THINK I FEEL
the best part of college is nobody can tell me not to eat six toaster strudels and jerk off in the shower
I don't know. I just have an affinity for nudity when I'm drunk.
How the hell am I supposed to tell that to a group of eight year olds?! It was three in the afternoon for fucks sake!
Come home, I'm drunk on the porch and pretending to smoke breadsticks like cigarettes. Enticing, right?
Remember the time you puked your contact lens out?
My toothbrush tastes like captain morgan
I'm jealous
Randomize
