If Ritalin and Plan B had an illegitimate child it would smell like me.
thats it. im googling how to make you boobs smaller. this is getting out of control.
Guy at red light looking at porn. I'm waiting for him to look over at me so I can shake my head and he can feel bad
And this is weird.. I feel slightly less depressed after shitting myself.
its a sex-hate relationship...no love involved
side note. good thing you didn't come to drunk breakfast. we were judged by children.
The poor thing was so drunk they wheeled his motorcycle into the bar. I just dropped him off to pick it up. The best walk of shame ever.
So my nipple piercings were only $20 because it's breast cancer awareness month. Fuck yes!
Putting Chia seeds in beer makes it ok for my diet, right?
do you remember showing me a picture of your husbands penis last night?
yea! the mushroom one. i would only show you.
Dude I'm so clean right now. Like I feel insulted that I can pass a piss test.
Apparently this establishment won't let you rent a sailboat if you have been drinking rum all morning
Like, bro, how do you think I got the idea to go sailing
I'm glad you got documented proof of my stupidity with a head full of nitrous
Hahaha and I'm glad you are doing whip its at a childrens basketball game
Somehow I went from sitting in a car upside down to waking up in the grass surounded by paramedics. It was a great night.
I went with vodka instead of tequila tonight so I make better decisions. Fool proof plan.
Randomize
