When god put her together, he was drunk & feeling creative... a vagina here, sexually ambiguous breasts there, and a pair of shoulders that would make a linebacker jealous
...you put a chicken patty in my toaster last night..
Being at this bar with grandma is a real cockblocker
she's using motion activated glade air fresheners as some sort of early warning system
Thanks for the viagra you gave me last night. I ended up getting called in to work to cover a shift. So I had to tell Kayla that I couldn't hang out and I had to try and hide my dick all night while walking serving people food all night.
So our trip to Disney World ended in the three of us stripping at a gay club in orlando.
I'm taking ecstasy it's gonna be that kind of Vegas trip
I walked into a room this morning and someone asked how my back was because I apparently threw myself off the porch after attempting to set myself on fire. Who the fuck let drunk me play with fire?!
Better question: who the fuck planted a tree next to the porch?!
Haha ohman remember when I peed in your blender? Gotta love college.
YOU DID WHAT???
Blocking me on Facebook doesn't change the fact that you've had my penis in my mouth. So there's that.
if anyone knows where my shirt is please let me know and if you know why I don't have my own shirt please also let me know. also do any of you know why I'm missing a bra wire?
Aaand now my client contact has seen your boobs.
Finally hooked up with her. She bought me tacos after because "she can do better in a bed". You're gonna be my best man.
I bought the restaurant a boat airhorn to wake up sleeping employees.
I love you
i'm growling thTa how much i wNn slwwwp.
save me some of whatever you're doing i'll be there in five.
Randomize
