There's a technique?! I just slide my tongue around
Please stop sending me picture messages of your shit. Seriously. I don't care if it looks like popcorn chicken.
me texting you is like we have secret walkie talkies.
Whos eating a bunch of acid and watching fireworks tomorrow? This guy. Thats who.
If you do that, i will make all sorts of uncomfortable comments about my nipples being soft
You invited the cop in for a "Celebrity shot"
You take a step back sometimes and are like "when was the last time I was sober?" or "wow I need to stop putting everything in my vagina"
Is this an intervention?
We walked in and someone handed her an unopened bottle of jack with her name on it. She's like a drunken celebrity.
i'm gonna crowd surf you onto his dick
We are no longer allowed to make spur of the moment decisions about our love lives
ABSOLUTELY NOT
The worst thing about buying this extremely comfortable bed is that once I get a girl into it, all she wants to do is sleep. I want my fucking money back.
I'm pretty sure I have PMS because I almost just cried about not being able to find a place that gives acrobat classes here.
Side note: I apologize for sex being the subject of every single one of my texts. That's what happens when you date an older man who constantly denies you sex on the basis of his ridiculous morals.
I don't want them thinking I'm like, "Mm, yeah, kitchenware in my ass please."
I’m going to hump him until his teeth hurt and then I’m going to have my way with him
Randomize
