How come twittering sounds sexual?
Because of Bambi.
Who did Billy Mays play for?
I gave her a mint afterward. It felt like giving turndown service at Hotel BJ.
I understand Curling. That high.
I feel as though I could trust her, I mean she did tell me she was married before we had sex.
I came so hard that my back seriously popped like 5 times.
well she hit her head and had a concussion. i had to make out with her to keep her awake.
wow. there is a man who hates the post office more than me. he is causing a scene, this is a snapshot of elderly me.
I went from looking for a bong to home decor in a 10 minute span. This is what being an adult is all about!
Why did I wake up in bed with the ironing board and a Mariah Carey mask? Vodka hates me
Side note: I just realized that I can make my hand warmers double as a heated push up bra.
Ok I'm drunk as fuck already at 529 and this waitress started flirting with me, I wanna bang her for acknowledging my existence
Bruh, I wanna absorb into the deck.
I wanna become a plank.
God I love xanex.
I’ve gone two rounds already this morning and I’m ready for a third. The moon is in the house of sluticus hornius.
I had to break up with her. She was sending me study schedules and recipes for vegan lasagna. I’m just trying to survive man
Randomize
