You think if I promise to behave for the rest of my life, god will let me fuck her on the regular?
He better hope I dont die soon. Because I would haunt his bitch ass and cock block 24/7
she's a gynecology student. i don't know if my dick's ready for that kind of pressure.
I always know the weekend is over when the real license comes out and the fake goes back into the hiding spot.
she made me take her to the grocery store to buy a gallon of sweet tea and a shit ton of band aids, the cashier asked if someone was hurt and she replied "not yet.."
I cant prove it..but im almost positive that you were just outside my window watching me while eating out of a bag of Cheetos...
im trying to find a facebook picture of him that doesnt make me regret sleeping with him. its not working
Will you push me around in a wheel chair, introduce me to people, and say nothing as I get up and walk away?
That girl next to you randomly said that she fits into a queen sized pillow case
WTF.
If the egyptians can build pryamids men can walk on the moon and ron jeremy can sleep with all those bitches then we can finish these three handles of vodka
I just sent him 3 long ass texts about how to tell a girl how he feels. I should get a fucking friend zone medal.
I will make you one.
Good. It needs "forever alone" engraved on it
There's a man with a stuffed dog and a can of dog food on the L. Should I break it to him?
Best not to. Some people need their delusions.
The NSA quit spying on phones. I'm sending you SO MANY dick pics.
Life hack: hotbox while in the car wash. It'll change your life.
I'm gonna invite every single tinder date I've had to my birthday. Let them fight, battle Royale style. The winner gets to fuck me. \n\nBest. Birthday. Ever
Randomize
