Thanks for holding onto me so I didn't fall in my pee in that parking lot. You're the best boyfriend ever.
I lost my phone so I put sticky notes all over my roommates body asking her to wake me up at 7:00 AM.
All i've done since I got back to my room today is take a three hour nap. Like, I even planned to change my pants and haven't even done that yet.
Like that girl needs to get her shit together. For her vagina's sake.
Slept on the counter again. Mom covered me in an apron.
Came to from my blackout with native american warrior facepaint on I'm too old for this shit
The facepaint not the blacking out
ok. can u leave the new roommate a list of instructions for me? like what i need to be fed and when i need to be exercised?
Corn dogs constantly. And all.the time
then you said,"Take this damn cabbage!" although it was actually your shirt. i found you in the elevator of his building.
i think ive crossed the line from sexually frustrated to sexually furious
There's times when I need to be plowed... and I'm ashamed to admit auto correct was able to predict that entire sentence.
This girl invited us back on the promise of weed and strudel...she delivered neither.
Took his shirt off. Announced he was Jesus. Threw up. Asked me to cuddle him to sleep. And then tried to kiss me. Typical Saturday night.
I changed his contact info to "NO" and a picture of satan
I responded like every reasonable adult would. With a gif
Once again, your first date sounds like something of an epic. Odysseus' Quest for Fourth Base.
Randomize
