I just projectile vomited in a Methodist church parking lot. If Jesus didn't love me before he sure as hell doesn't now.
everything was going good until you started showing off the pictures of poop you took with your phone
: am i supposed to send the mass text 'merry christmas!' to my booty calls too?
adderall flavored popcorn. yes we did it and its awesome
Drunk roommate walked in on us and asked if we wanted to go eat a sandwich with her in the bathroom.
Just got my cast off. My occupational therapist wants me to self-gratify. My clit is about to have an awesome weekend...
Hey had an urgent voicemail from the Illinois national guard....have you been using my identity for your blackout weekend?
Yes and yes
I guess the study abroad went badly, I gave him a joint and he just smoked it and cried all the way from the airport
I'll even be awesome and bring pizza for your family, just as a "hey thanks for letting a stranger get trashed at your house" gesture.
I need to be drunk within 15 minutes of getting home tonight.
I have commenced my lesbian college experimentation. Wish me luck
My boss want to throw me an everclear birthday.
You walked in on us hooking up, hugged me, high fived him and unhooked my bra.. You claimed to be helping
i hooked up with all four beatles on halloween get on my level
She's like a cask of Amontillado. Very tempting if I was drunk, but sober, I know I'll get fucked over in the end.
Randomize
