I think I'm maturing; i was gonna watch porn and then take a nap but i motivated myself to put my laundry in first.
I just found out you can file for divorce online. I love America.
woke up next to her writing my name in some journal. apparently she makes every guy she hooks up with sign out.
dude skip the party. it is a fucking post office here
what the hell does that mean?
nothing good but a whole lotta male and packages
Judging by what's in the bathroom right now, I see you graced us with your presence last night.
How do you get a 7 on a pregnancy test?
It's gonna be pretty hard to find a homeless person that takes crackers as currency.
Can you send me the video of that girl that got arrested last night? I'm gonna try and hit that and I need something to break the ice with.
Uhh, there's a legit bruise on my boob.. Again how does he manage this
there's a girl on facebook trying to buy me a pizza. I can't say no... right?
Well for decently drunk, in the woods, last-person-i-should-be-hooking-up-with sex, i thought it was pretty good.
That's what I love about being a lesbian. My roommate's boyfriend watched her finger me and then he made me pancakes in the morning. AND THEN HE LEFT.
Wearing Navy dress whites to a wedding is like having a magical panty removing device. I've never cockblocked a whole room just by existing before.
probably because i sent a bunch of guys a snap saying happy one year to my nipple piercings
No I’m scared man. She sharted. In my car. Wearing a dress. And I still like her.
Wow
Randomize
