it doesn't mae me god, the fact that I am god makes getting dressed futile and tedious... btw i am still drunk
i crunched every chip from the dorito bag and poured it in the vase. never again will i have to deal with cool ranch fingers.
She was doing lines off of her friends boobs in the limo at 9 oclock on a thursday This has the potential to be the best weekend ever
As added birth control I warned him that if he knocked me up tonight I would name the baby Truck.
Until you wake up with a Hustler club stripper in the next room whose nipple you were coerced to lick at Snake & Jake's after breaking up a fight between an Indian and a Filipino, I don't wanna hear about your weird.
It was either the harsh truths I was divulging or the liquor..... But either way, I made mom puke
So apparently blacked out me judges a man based on what type of dinosaur he would be...
About to go get a free burrito for kissing a bald man in public
Well he was mad because I chose tequila over him. He obviously doesn't understand that he will always be second to my first true love.
he couldn't get a boner so he asked me to sing you shook me all night long to his penis. I think it was weirder that it actually worked
How do you clean human pee out of a carpet
Inconspicuously
When he was leaving this morning he said I'll text you later on and I replied with if you don't that's cool too.
I remember that. We went to taco bell looking for pizza.
Did you at least know who's jizz it was?
That is questionable.
Omg, new summer goal: sex in a bouncy castle.
Randomize
