I wish I could teleport
i think the semi hot bartender might actually be a man in drag..on a similar note, what are you drinking?
Remind me if I threw up on you last night or if that was just a dream.
Well now that I've given all the athletes mono there goes our chance of winning any conference championship
I think they called the cops after 15 minutes of you shaking their clothes line like the ultimate warrior and calling out hulk hogan
I'm basically just sitting in the porta poTty finishing my bottle of champagne bc I am too lazy to carry it back to the tailgate
Can I just say that you're probably one of my favorite people to have sex with and then eat hummus with at 3:45am?
the upside of dating someone over 21: he can buy me a pregnancy test AND a bottle of wine when he goes to cvs for me
I feel like I got run over by a bus full of inebriated Scotsmen on the way to a soccer riot.
There was blow residue on my chem book and my TA was like, did u stain your notebook with CaCO3?
If I show up to the mall alone looking like I do to purchase a vibrator and some Japanese food, I would judge me too.
Don't go to sleep yet I need your Mexican roots. Can you come make guacamole
I'm a great relationship counselor. My vagina will let you know if your relationship is gonna work or not.
About to go make a man out of a 24 year old boy
As I shove my ninth taquito of the day into my mouth...
Picking our battles
Dude, some chick came over here earlier and thought my lube was hand sanitizer. She poured it all over her hands.
Randomize
