Apparently oprah and I were in competition to see who's ass could get bigger this summer
Guess who's still drunk but on time to court to represent a DUI?
You are my hero
just saw a dude in a v-neck sweater on a bike drinking starbucks. way to feed the stereotypes white dude.
I had five suicidal voicemails from him when I woke up this morning. They all started and ended with "DON'T FUCK MY ROOMMATES".
It was only one, it doesn't count.
I'm questioning the dried chocolate syrup on my tits.
So Monday we're lesbians.
Deal. This decision is final and any rebates on this will result in losing an eyeball.
i need to stop celebrating other people's birthdays like they are m own.. my body can't handle a birthday every week
Because her vagina is one of those illusive black holes that leads to a parallel universe where he is king and the sea is made of beer! That is why they are together!
'twas the night before moms weekend and all were blacked out. Not a coug was sober not even farm house. I was down to fuck but you were not in sight, so I bid pullmania a sweet goodnight.
guys I just made $20 cause these random south african guys thought I wasn't wearing any underwear
Have you ever looked death in the face and have the urge to shit yourself. I'm in that situation right now.
Did you put Adderal in the fishtank in the lobby? The fish are acting like Olympic sprinters. Asshole.
Hey the moment you step into my house, find me IMMEDIATELY so we can pinky promise on not roping anyone at the party into yet another threesome
If Dr Phil has taught me anything about myself, it’s that I can seriously relate to those women who fake their pregnancies.
You were laying on the floor coloring a "get well soon' card for your liver...
Randomize
