I'm too high to be shopping. I just contemplated deoderant for fifteen minutes. Now testing pillows
Did you wake up with "jello shots" stamped on your hand too?
His dick was as big as my arm. Giving him a handjob was like giving someone an Indian sunburn.
well seeing as i got a call at 5 am from the hotel manager telling me my cousin was passed out on the lobby floor...not good
we're about an hour out, how's the weather?
cloudy with a chance of strippers and cocaine, you're favorite. welcome home.
she just pulled a hulk hogan to make her point. no idea how it helped
Its 6am and I'm sitting on the couch watching Clifford. Crying into my risotto because emily elizabeth helped the girl in the wheelchair get over her stagefright so she can win a trophy. Never drinking alone again.
Attn every girl I've slept with in the past 26 years of my life. One of you cunts gave me herpes. This is the 4th of 5 group MMS. That's right. It's in the 50s. There are two girls I don't have #s for. One was on a cruise and the other was a prostitute in Amsterdam. So which of you has herpes?
it was a frathouse cornucopia of foul mixed drinks and "sangria", which im convinced was blood and pcp
Disregard the shoes in the freezer.
That night just went downhill after you pissed yourself while sitting on my lap
I fucked in the bathroom while everyone listened and banged my dick against a table shouting "order in the court"
Stopping for a booty call on the way to a lunch date... Bad form?
I don't know who's idea it was to get wine for a frat party but my poor pitiful hung over self really fucking hates them.
I peed in my closet, which at the time looked like a sparkly bathroom...
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