Btw I've read that book you bought me...And I'm such a bitch now
But I don't think guys love me
A hard boiled egg and a shot of tequila is not brunch.
any plan I had today of being a productive member of society, I am officially throwing out the window.
I am watching the symphony and have decided that violin players probably give really good hand jobs.
I feel like someone was just looking at my memory and took out an eraser and was like "nope he doesnt need that"
The doctor said 'youre the 2nd youngest person that ive seen with this condition. Thats probably not the silver medal you were looking for today.'
the fire alarm went off. we werent sure whether to leave or turn the music up louder
Waking up next to a 3 inch puddle of water in my kitchen with a bathing suit on...what the fuck went on lastnight
And then you proceeded to sneak behind thee bar and hold up an empty bottle of vodka and scream LOOK WHO THE BARTENDER IS NOW BITCH!
His penis is small and he doesnt like Harry Potter. HE HAS NO REDEEMING QUALITIES WHAT AM I EVEN DOING HERE
Ok spinning in the opposite direction thatg the room was spinning was the worst advice ever
Just got offered a dog by two Meth head's one of which wasn't wearing shoes and continually saying "fuck"
Also, since I switched back to this phone I've found a crop of dick pics and your funeral arrangements.
I just wiped my butthole and there was glitter down there.
she has no right to get mad at us for drinking during the wedding. she's the one that chose the bridesmaid dresses with pockets.
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