My toast was "here's to being positive, and testing negative... Cheers!"... after that chick gagged on her shot, everyone knew.... slut.
let me put this in terms we both understand. he was the crunchwrap supreme of men--the perfect combo of all things manly, gooey and delicious. and ready for instant enjoyment.
He called me from prison intake to wish me luck on my job interview. Somehow that's the most romantic thing that's ever happened to me.
I woke up at 6 on his trampoline wearing only a parka.
just saw way to many penises for it being 5 o'clock on a thursday
its not thanksgiving till you and grandpa shotgun beers out in the shed, and lose
I do have sympathy for you. It's just not going to manifest as a blow job.
What can I say, I'm a giver.
Smoking up the homeless at 3am does not make you a humanitarian.
Best part of having a window in your office is that you can leave through it when you shit your pants at work.
I literally have a bandage on my dick that's how bad she is at handjobs
Seeing your one night stand on campus never gets less awkward. Why is Subway the only good place to eat?
Omg he has a washer and dryer IN his apartment and lots of back up toilet paper. I went home with an adult. My uterus is pumping out eggs beyond my control.
That moment when your fucking in an airport bathroom and forget to lock the door. That poor man...scarred forever...
I mean like, I missed 30 minutes of star wars to fuck you on Christmas so you must be worth something
I woke up with a treasure map drawn on my ass. Whattt.
Randomize
