:( I'm sorry!!!
sexual favors sorry?
absolutely not
there is a priest convention in the hotel. i feel like god is laughing at me.
all you did was keep googling "what time is it" over and over and over
it felt like a thousand fairies were licking my balls.
Somebody spraypainted a transformers head on a transformer box..my life is complete
herpes texted me again. he says he wants my vagina.
ok we should really consider changing this guys nickname...
"too many" and "free shots" never belong in the same sentence
Just warning you now f you do not get intoxicated with me in front of the family on thanksgiving we are not related.
I'm really really gonna try not to at least one night. The 4 day thanksgiving bender almost killed me last year
This isn't fair. Why can't sober me be good at bejeweled?
Damn, well, it could always be worse
For sure, I could be a prison bitch right now. Thursdays aren't half bad
But what I'm actually thinking about is how everyone except me had sex on my bed this weekend and now I'm just sleeping in it with a 7 foot tall blue panda
He saved that picture of my boobs for good luck romance still exists
The fact that the praying hands are in my top emojis defines how 2016 is going so far
To celebrate the holidays this evening, I will be replying “FUCK YOU” to all my spam emails. Can’t tell you how excited I am
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