Memo to self- delete texts about butt sex from you before giving my mom my old phone to use.
yay america 4th of july drinking game. take a drink every time you hear or see a firework, finish your drink for a mention of mj or the gosselins, a shot for the words democracy,hope, freedom, terrorism
it was better than the time i puked and I forgot to open the lid of the toilet
I get way too drunk to be trusted with family heirlooms
Oh my god please beg your father to turn the car around so you can possibly get laid by a knight at medieval times.
just got home. some guy on my porch is tryin to show me his balls. no more parties at my apartment.
I'm drinking nothing but vodka and coffee for the next 48 hours. For science.
I think you are the only one slutty enough and evil enough for the job. Just go in and blue ball him. He broke my nose in Middle school. He deserves this.
Licking pop rocks off a stranger's washboard abs and kissing strangers young enough to be my kid. Yeah, it was THAT kind of party last night
Oh my god. A memory of last night just came to me. One of our neighbors joked about Thomas having a big dick and I just kept shaking my head profusely.
Buying the inflatable beer pong table for the pool was one of the best investments I've ever made
...I'm not a booty call or a pizza...you can't just call/text and expect to be eating me in an hour..
Sexting Captain while emailing my eharmony match about my low key weekend is hard.
My fridge door just caught on fire somehow.
What happened?
New Orleans
Every time
Randomize
