At what point last night did I start ordering doubles?
Right after we had the just friends talk..
Nothing says "get your life together" better than waking up in a tub full of your own vomit. Twice. In one night.
max decided it would be a good idea to run down the hall and smack down the exit sign. now we are sitting in the emergency room, and he is wearing the sign as a bracelet
My body is like , remember when you wouldn't let me puke last night? Good luck at work fucker.
We couldn't find the paddle I had gotten so he just spanked with my tennis raquet
I'm so incredibly high right now the fact I am texting is nothing short of miraculous. Call the Pope. Hell make me Saint Roy, patron of stoners.
I had a dream that I had to take a breathalyzer but then it turned out to be a bong....why can't that be real life?
God gave me a talent besides one night stands. I feel like I should use it
Sometimes I just want to kiss you without you pulling ur cock out and waving it at me
SHE MASTURBATED TO THE THOUGHT OF ME HAVING AN ALL DUDE THREESOME WITH HER EX BOYFRIENDS.
I've had more sex since the twins moved in than I'd had in the previous four years. They are the best wingman ever.
She was drunk at Red Robin. She asked for more fries and then shoved them in her purse while saying "Come on bitches, you're coming with me" to them.
Don't forget my pants whenever you come over, otherwise we can't get in.
It's like his penis moved in and did some interior decorating without telling me first...
I know you're having a really bad day and I'm a little to blame for that and I'm sorry. To make your day go better just try to imagine what people's fuck faces look like.
Randomize
