He left the bathroom door open so i would hear him masturbate in the shower to make me feel guilty for not putting out but it just turned me on cause i like guys masturbating. weird?
I went to the gynecologist and they said, "you're the most fun person we've ever had," and i thought, "that's exactly why i'm here!"
The hospital said it would be 'irresponsible' for them to allow people to book stomach pumps.
Oh no it's bring yor chld to work day...I'm too drunk for this
just tried googling 24 hr taco bell and when i typed "24 hour" it autocompleted with fitness. buzzzz killllll
The gay bar tender told me I looked like Prince William. And that I needed my balls licked.
Omg. I felt like a crazed animal last night. My lesbian instincts burned a hole in my panties.
I just stuck my fingers down her throat so she could puke. I mean what are friends for
Oh my god she just threw up on her dog
And they have kittens that decided that boobs are apparently the best arena for king of the hill...
We were destined to go to rehab together
He wouldn't let me put a red handprint on his face or scream to him everytime he walked away.
Why did you want to do any of that?
If someones last name is Wilson, you are obligated to pretend that you are Tom Hanks and they are a Volleyball and quote the movie when you speak to them.
Idk man, most things I eat are even better than I expected. Like when I drunkenly put mac and cheese on a slice of cheese pizza or when I soberly put mac and cheese into a Taco Bell burrito.
New fuck buddy and long time fuck buddy are carpooling home for thanksgiving. #10hrconvoaboutmyblowjobskills
we watched a porno and made a drinking game out of it. best first date ever.
Our orgasm ration was 1:45. No. Fucking. Joke. I thought I was going to die.
Randomize
