Just took my morning after pill in the library
Nobody is wearing shirts anymore. What is happening.
I stole a road cone for their 13 yr old son. Apparently I told him to put Christmas lights on it, and "treat her like a lady."
It looks alright. The blow up doll is in the microwave, and she has forks in her ass
I'll sleep on the bed... The couch is now designated banging area. Any banging performed outside of that area will be subject to fines of cleaning up stains.
We can add pilot to the list of people who's lives I've changed...with my penis.
Road trip to buy me a baby zebra..are you in or are you in?
Bro if you don't text me back I'm gonna send you a picture of my nut sack every ten seconds for the rest of the night. I'm home alone with nothing to do. Don't push me.
she's like a sexy human version of my cat. i can't catch her, and she keeps throwing up in the corners.
If I stopped mid-sex because the guy was hung like a light switch, it doesn't count, does it? Like the five second rule.
finals do horrible things to a person. i haven't worn pants since friday
"Plot twist... I'm straight."
there is such a gross feeling of satisfaction when the married guy i used to hook up with likes my facebook status.
Is it weird that my mother is taking body shots off my gf after meeting once?
It's 3 am. Nothing I've tried can get the taste of failure and vomit out of my mouth.
Randomize
