How does she give head with a nose like that? It looks like she has a plantain stuck in the middle of her face.
Call me at 7:30 and make sure I'm not asleep in this booth at Waffle House.
he thinks im joking when i say don't visit. i mean it's summer...he was the college fuck and now it's time for the summer fuck
If you go to the bathroom don't ask why there's diet coke on the toilet. Loller copter. Blow is fun.
We ate a mysterious delivered pizza which no one ordered and then the wii wouldn't work so 20 of us watched porn on two laptops. Drunk took the awkward away.
Did I actually say goodbye last night or did I just poison you with vodka and disappear?
After so many times of carrying your puked covered clothes home in a bag on a Tuesday morning, you begin to realize that Fucked Up Mondays aren't a real thing.
Passed out drunk in a tanning bed...
Did At The Beach call the fire department to get you like last time?
This is where you say "Why yes we will drink with reckless abandon and hopefully not be in a church parking lot again."
Finding that toy duck there was weird right?
I'm putting my hangover kit in my car for the trip to work tomorrow morning. Dedication
I got custody of our girlfriend in the breakup.
I did however clean up the cupcakes and vomit so I'm not that bad of a roommate
I need vodka mixed w a bit of holy water right now
I hate waking up to a room that reeks of bad decisions...
Just got an x-ray done of my hip and you can clearly see the outline of my penis in it. When the doctor saw it she said "wow I haven't seen one that big on an x-ray before." Pretty sure the doc and the nurses are going to be talking about me on their lunch break.
Randomize
