My roommate got wasted last night and went to the 24 hour Bally's Total Fitness at 3 A.M. He got back took his shirt off, made a protein shake, puked, asked me if he was almost as jacked as Ronnie Coleman then called ME gay before I could say anything and went to bed
she danced around my room naked waving around the gold trojan magnum condoms singing "i have the golden ticket."
little did she know i was taping her the whole time.
Hopefully. Play it cool. Bust out a few jokes. Chew with your mouth closed and show your boobs.
about 90% sure I fell off a roof. It hurts BAD. Don't suppose you're still in town?
yup haha I infact DID fall off a roof. Want some bomb ass omlettes?
At one point during xmas dinner my whole family was double fisting. It was like thats how I learned to drink moment
I would love a rich wife. Then I would be like a gym teacher or some shit. Bigfoot hunter maybe.
I imagine my service panda will provide sufficient protection. At the very least it will be an irresistible cuddly distraction while I make good my escape.
I walked into a room this morning and someone asked how my back was because I apparently threw myself off the porch after attempting to set myself on fire. Who the fuck let drunk me play with fire?!
Better question: who the fuck planted a tree next to the porch?!
You just get me
I'm the wind beneath your wings, bitch
Also, let me tell you how embarrassing it is to match with someone who seemingly has their shit together at 4:45AM on a Thursday.
STOP PUTTING BUTTER ON MY FUCKING CAT
All I want to do is lay in my bed and eat hotdogs
you asked me how to turn on the ladder
So technically I made out with my second cousin this weekend... But it's by marriage and I'm adopted, so it's ok.
He smells like sex and magic. I’m already naming our children
Maybe you should talk to him first
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