I'm drunk in f*****g wisconsin and want to kill myself.
If it's any consolation, be grateful that you're not in New Jersey.
Sex has been so nonexistent lately that when I was masturbating the other day, I actually paused to yawn.
CAUTION: TWINS DO NOT HAVE TWIN PENISES.
You made a "martini" bagel. Took a bagel dunked it in vodka and put olives in it
mom in a round about way told me to either donate my eggs or become a surrogate bcuz I need money.
My head weighs 7 pounds. i know this because i spent the majority of the night passed out in the bathroom, using the scale as a pillow.
Empowerment dancing to Touch Me in the Morning by Diana Ross. Handling this breakup SO well.
It'd be a romantic, consensual abduction
To be so small, the mini-horses are exceptionally aggressive. And fast. Very, very fast.
Abort! Abort! He almost bit off a finger!
HI MARY. THERE IS A RAINBOW AT OUR APARTMENT
His and hers buttplugs were a resounding success. Tru luv
NOLA update. Went to Corey Smith at the house of blues last night. Drank PBR and took lots of shots of Jack. Too drunk, cabbed it to the hotel and fell asleep while having sex. Not my finest moment. Now I'm in court. I can't wait to be your attorney.
DONT TALK SHIT ABOUT LUNCHABLES
got into a verbal altercation with Luke Harangoty last night over a table. Called him a cross-eyed fuck and got the table.
Well shove his head down there and tell him not to stop til we have a new president!
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